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Jesse Eisenberg (left) and Christina Ricci face off with werewolves in Cursed.
So I first saw Wes Craven’s on-again, off-again film Cursed back in February when it hit the big screen. And, like many reviews you may have read, I was less than satisfied with the film as a whole. I held off on a review in hopes that this unrated DVD release would earn back some or my respect. I really gave this one a second chance…
The film tells the take of a brother and sister, Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg) and Ellie (Christina Ricci), who become cursed after a car accident in the hills of Hollywood. On their way home, Ellie savagely runs over some animal, swerves into oncoming traffic, and slams into another vehicle… driven by that hottie Shannon Elizabeth (Becky).
While attempting to rescue Becky from her soon-to-be-on-fire vehicle, all three are dragged through the woods by what turns out to be a werewolf. Jimmy and Ellie escape with a few cuts and bites, but the once-hot Becky isn’t so lucky: basically everything from her waist down is digesting deep in the bowels of the “scary” werewolf.
From this point on, Jimmy and Ellie attempt to make sense of everything. All the while, the siblings’ senses seem to be heightened. Normally a bookworm nerd, Jimmy suddenly has grown a set, and actually manages to take out the entire wrestling team in one outing – including the token homophobic high-school jock, Bo (Milo Ventimiglia).
Meanwhile, Ellie has a newfound super-sense for detecting blood. While in her office at the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn, Ellie tracks down something sweet-smelling in the air. Her journey takes her to the office commissary where a coworker was cooking up a delicious nosebleed. Alright, I’ll admit it… that was a pretty good scene: mildly shocking and enjoyable, while remaining fairly nasty all at once.
Unfortunately, this unrated version is the exact same thing as the theatrical print… only with three extra minutes of gore. And while I like gore just as much as anyone, extra blood and liquefied brains don’t always cover up a contrived, swiss cheese-like story. Such is the case here.
Cursed does manage to have some merits, but they are minor at best and really have nothing to do with the sorely lacking plot. One scene has the werewolf scraping its claws along the side of a car, emitting that horrendously mind-numbing screeching sound. Immediately I was reminded of Wes Craven’s baby, Freddy Kreuger.
Another minor plotline horror fanatics will enjoy comes at the expense of underrated actor Milo Ventimiglia. He plays a high-school wrestling jock that can’t get enough of picking on the wimpy Jimmy. And, as in most campy horror flicks, the jock is always homophobic who repeatedly takes shots at the male protagonists’ sexual preference. Writer Kevin Williamson (who penned a winner with Scream) does an outstanding job in turning this horror stereotype upside-down, and reveals later in the film that Bo is actually gay himself. I dug it.
Craven managed to score some Hollywood glitterati for cameos in Cursed as well. Keep an eye out for Craig Kilborn, Scott Baio, and Lance Bass all playing themselves. Alright, maybe it’s not high-end glitterati, but they’re still names nearly everyone knows. It just goes to show you that crap, although dressed in fancy CGI and pretty Hollywood faces is still just crap with a Hollywood candy-coated shell.
And quite a transparent one, at that.
You’ll also be treated to the ultimate moment of horror cheesedom here. At one point, the werewolf… the CGI werewolf, manages to flip-off Ricci’s character. Hands-down, this is the most absurd thing I’ve seen on the big, or little-screen in quite some time. Shame on you, Wes Craven. Even though it may not have been your idea, you still could have had a hand in NOT allowing this ridiculous scene make it into the final cut. Boo.
In a way, Cursed was actually cursed from the very beginning. Dimension films (which has been know to bastardize horror films at times) pushed the film into production well before the script was even finalized. And wouldn’t you know it, halfway through initial production filming was halted so the story could be retooled.
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of millions of dollars being flushed down the drain.
So the script was reworked, and filming resumed a few months later: scenes were re-shot, and some of the cast actually replaced.
For a special treat, go ahead and check out the selected scene commentary with special effects makeup supervisor Greg Nicotero, and actor Derek Mears. They provide some clever nuggets on some of the gorier scenes, but mostly take shots at the laughable scenes they are watching. Think Mystery Science Theater 3000… because that’s the kind of material we’re dealing with in the final 30 minutes of Cursed. I can almost hear one of Servo’s sardonic remarks now…
Cursed is probably not a DVD you’d want to shell out 15 bucks for at your local store. Even though this is one of Wes Craven’s lesser-quality efforts, it’s still worth at least a look. My suggestion: invite a couple buddies over, buy couple of 12-packs and some snacks, but Cursed when it reaches Wal-Mart’s bargain shelf, and have an MST3K night.
And that 2-skull rating is only because I’m in a nice mood today!
Flick Figures: 5 dead bodies; 1 butt (male); parking garage fisticuffs; raw meat-eating; wolf hit-and-run; multiple bite wounds; closet-exiting; gratuitous Lance Bass; gratuitous Bowling for Soup; gratuitous Craig Kilborn; decapitation via shovel; total immolation; geysers of blood; liquefied brains; multiple gunshot wounds; elevator antics; 1 crawling upper torso.
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