Author: And Palladino

  • ‘Anna Nicole’ is a Lifetime channel movie that’s better than expected

    ‘Anna Nicole’ is a Lifetime channel movie that’s better than expected

    Agnes Bruckner is Anna Nicole Smith in the Lifetime channel movie
    Agnes Bruckner is Anna Nicole Smith in the Lifetime channel movie

    Mary Harron has tackled Valerie Solanas, Bettie Page, and Patrick Bateman. Now she takes on the fractured fairy tale story of Anna Nicole Smith.

    While it doesn’t come close to Star 80 quality, Anna Nicole is better than expected and features standout work from its director and actors. Now airing on Lifetime, it has already broken the channel’s ratings record for its movies.

    Anna Nicole was born Vickie Lynn Hogan (Julia Walters as a child, Agnes Bruckner thereafter) in small town Mexia, Texas. Even with a policewoman for a mother (Virginia Madsen), her home life is made very abusive by the various stepfather-figures who flow in and out. But it’s through one of them that she discovers what will change her life. When she finds an old issue of Playboy with Marilyn Monroe on the cover, she finds her inspiration, and from that point clings to the dream of becoming just as big an icon that the whole world loves.

    Agnes Bruckner may be beautiful, but she relied on special effects to recreate Anna Nicole Smith's ample bossom
    Agnes Bruckner may be beautiful, but she relied on special effects to recreate Anna Nicole Smith’s ample bosom

    But her first steps into adulthood include making the same mistakes as her mother. With her son Daniel (played at different ages, youngest to oldest, by Jackson Walters, Luke Donaldson, Caleb Barwick, and Graham Patrick Martin), she flees from abusive husband Tommy Smith (James Allen McCune). To support them, she gets a job as a pole dancer in a strip club. She initially only wanted to be a waitress, but the increased pay for dancers convinces her.

    One day, Ben Walker (Alex Van) takes his boss, elderly billionaire J. Howard Marshall (Martin Landau), to the club. The wheelchair-bound Marshall soon hits it off with Vickie Lynn and they fall in love, with him vowing to take care of her and her son. With more financial backing to get her photographers and agents, her grander career begins to take off. Before long she’s featured in Playboy and the spokeswoman for Guess jeans.

    Cary Elwes is E. Pierce Marshall, the son of the millionaire who married Anna Nicole Smith
    Cary Elwes is E. Pierce Marshall, the son of the millionaire who married Anna Nicole Smith

    But there’s something else introduced to her during her time at the club that becomes a major part of her life: a drug habit. Taking these drugs to overcome her shyness in performing, she soon graduates to more recreational use. And as Vickie Lynn becomes Anna Nicole, when she has to do more than just dance, her use becomes more frequent and, of course, results in tragedy.

    It’s really the cast who elevate this. Bruckner is fantastic and goes the extra mile with prosthetic breasts that look as though they were her own. Hats off to the crew on that one. Landau is, unsurprisingly, perfect in his part, and Madsen, while not featured that prominently, makes the most of her scenes. In a substantial but too brief part is Cary Elwes as E. Pierce Marshall, J. Howard’s son (and also older than she is) who takes it upon himself to gain control of the family’s estate and cut the Smiths out of inheritance. Rounding out the cast is Adam Goldberg, playing the other Howard in Anna Nicole’s life, K. Stern.

    Agnes Bruckner strikes a pose in gold as Anna Nicole Smith
    Agnes Bruckner strikes a pose in gold as Anna Nicole Smith

    But the TV movie format is very limiting, and many things that could really make this great are left out. For example, there is no mention of Naked Gun 33 1/3. While some might see it as a piece of trivia, it actually represents a major career coup. The prime role she had brought her into the mainstream and on the big screen just like her idol. There’s also not much of a focus on her weight gain and its effects on her. Sure we are made aware of it and see her in her Trimspa campaign, but no moments to show her really depressed by it.

    This project would probably have been best as a mini-series, but for what it is, Anna Nicole does the job admirably and is a worthy entry into Harron’s (ahem) body of work.

  • Remembering Karen Black

    Remembering Karen Black

    Karen Black in Rob Zombie's 'House of 1000 Corpses'
    Karen Black in Rob Zombie’s ‘House of 1000 Corpses’

    Karen Black, veteran and Academy Award-nominated actress who has been in roughly 200 works, passed away after battling ampullary cancer last month. She was 74.

    Born Karen Blanche Ziegler on July 1, 1939 in Park Ridge, IL, she attended Northwestern University for a couple years before leaving for New York and studying under Lee Strasberg. From here started her acting career with stage performances and making her film debut in 1959 in The Prime Time.

    During her career, Black received several top awards and nominations. For her role in the film Five Easy Pieces, she was nominated for an Academy Award in the Best Actress in a Supporting Role category, and won it from the Golden Globes, National Board of Review, and New York Film Critics Circle. She also won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress for The Great Gatsby and nominated for The Day of the Locust in the Best Motion Picture Actress – Drama category. In the movie Nashville, she not only acted but wrote and performed songs, earning her a Grammy nomination.

    Karen Black
    Karen Black

    Black’s films run the gamut from cult favorites to bona-fide classics. These also include Easy Rider; Airport 1975; Family Plot; House of 1000 Corpses; The Player; Trilogy of Terror; Drive, He Said; Burnt Offerings; You’re a Big Boy Now; The Pyx; In Praise of Older Women; Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean; Dixie Lanes; The Last Horror Film; Dogtown; Children of the Corn IV; I Woke Up Early the Day I Died; Gypsy 83; Fallen Arches; Invaders from Mars; Repo Chick; Club Fed; It’s Alive III; Some Guy Who Kills People; Firecracker; Dark Blood; Ooga Booga; and She Loves Me Not, which may be her final film.

    She also made numerous television appearances on shows such as Law & Order: Criminal Intent; Saturday Night Live; Murder, She Wrote; Profiler; The Big Valley; Miami Vice; Party of Five; Mannix; The Hitchhiker; Faerie Tale Theatre; Rude Awakening; The Hunger; and Adam-12.

    Black is survived by her husband Stephen Eckelberry and children Hunter Carson and Celine Eckelberry.

  • Jaws-Dropped: The bizarre phenomenon that was ‘Sharknado’

    Jaws-Dropped: The bizarre phenomenon that was ‘Sharknado’

    'Sharknado' was a rating hit for SyFy, as well as a viral one
    ‘Sharknado’ was a rating hit for SyFy, as well as a viral one

    By all accounts, the film to claim the summer of 2013 should have been anything but a Syfy channel original movie. Yet what happened was just that.

    Sharknado achieved an astonishing level of popularity, not only bringing in record numbers for its channel but also becoming some sort of event. The subsequent theatrical release sold out in major cities across the country and the –nado suffix has turned into a neologism.

    But the simple question remains: Why? What catapulted something that could easily have remained in obscurity to such high levels of attention? In a landscape of big-budget blockbusters and long-beloved franchise figures, why has this particular movie caught on?

    The most apparent piece is the title itself. Clearly it can be thought of as silly, but it’s the right kind of silly. The tagline reads “Enough said.” From this title, what this film contains is encapsulated quite bluntly, but so in a way that intrigues of how these two elements could be connected. Films of this ilk would be focused either entirely on a storm or entirely on a predatory creature for the conflict. This would appear to give equal credence to both. How so? One would need to see to find out.

    What this also does is let the audience know that the basic rule for safety will now no longer apply. The biggest problem with films that have aquatic creatures as the villains is that all a character has to do to survive is stay away from the water. But a tornado is most certainly not limited to water, and the merger of the sharks with the tornado indicates that they will not be either. To let the audience know that this distinctive convention has been jettisoned builds wonder as to just how such a threat is going to be dealt with.

    Ian Ziering takes a chainsaw to a shark
    Ian Ziering takes a chainsaw to a shark

    The use of social media cannot be discounted. Typical promotion was done with Twitter, but Syfy took it a couple steps further and made a contest for viewers to create a subtitle for the sequel. The prospect of such creative control, which rarely if ever has been the subject of a contest before, would be enticing to just about anyone, even if they weren’t already familiar with Sharknado. And of course, each entry needs to be marked with a hashtag and mention, passing the word along to the followers of the user.

    That this film snuck up on people and was ready for viewing may have worked to its advantage in that regard.  Compare this with Snakes on a Plane (2006), another creature feature with a similarly direct and goofy title. That film was able to garner significant online attention months in advance, even enough for reshoots to incorporate audience suggestions. But when it came time for the film’s release in theaters, that interest was not reflected in box office results.

    The risk in relying on a fast-paced field to generate is that those in the field may be correspondingly lacking in patience and eager to move on to what will more immediately be the next big thing. The Asylum, the production company of Sharknado, has made it a practice to keep their production schedules relatively succinct and unveil the main details of the picture only a couple months, or perhaps even just weeks, prior to release. Such a timetable does not allow much for idle moments to pass by.

    But possibly the most crucial component here is that the big offerings from Hollywood this summer may not be fulfilling audiences’ satisfactions, particularly where a season like summer is concerned and the inherent desire for amusement of a more jovial fare.  The theatrical films similar in genre or that would interest the same audience have by and large been bleak and dreary. Man of Steel was found by many to be much more akin to one of recent Batman films. The title of Star Trek Into Darkness says it all for its tone. Pacific Rim featured giant robots and monsters fighting, but played it completely straight. The Purge and World War Z presented extremely grim visions of the future.

    Um, lady, there's a shark behind you!
    Um, lady, there’s a shark behind you!

    Sharknado is by no means a comedic work, at least not in any overt manner. Nevertheless, as indicated by its title and tagline alone, it does not present itself as gravely serious. This sort of self-awareness only serves to strengthen films like this, in both their appeal to others and overall quality. Indeed, the movie has been receiving favorable reviews, particularly from genre-focused critics. On leading horror website Dread Central, reviewer Foywonder rated the film 4 ½ out 5, writing: “Oh, I’ve seen things on the big screen thus far this summer, and none of the spectacle, none of the idiocy, none of it has been as much fun to watch or brought me as much joy as what I saw on the small screen watching Sharknado.”

    Interestingly, the Syfy channel is not the sole network this season to break records with its features. Only weeks earlier, the Lifetime network premiered Anna Nicole to the highest ratings they have ever gotten for original films. This cannot be a mere coincidence, not when there’s also the perception of ticket prices getting higher while TV viewing remains just as free. And if one can mine the same amount of or more gratification from a resource that costs nothing further and does not require leaving the home for, then this trend is not likely to be overturned.

    Being the right film in the right place at the right time might be the best way to sum up how Sharknado has managed to become so big. That said, the aspects in place for this to have happened were certainly discernible and can be studied from. Whenever it is that the next low-profile film with an odd title and peculiar concept comes along and succeeds, it won’t come as any surprise. After all, if it sounds nuttier and further off the wall than Sharknado, then it must be something to check out.

  • ‘Kick-Ass 2’ retains original’s mix of wit and violence

    ‘Kick-Ass 2’ retains original’s mix of wit and violence

    Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Chloe Moretz are back for more in 'Kick Ass 2'
    Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Chloe Moretz are back for more in ‘Kick Ass 2’

    The first film based off a work by Mark Millar was Wanted, which was a horrible butchering that turned a unique comic into a generic action movie. But Kick-Ass got it right, with a proceeding that was anything but generic. Luckily Kick-Ass 2, despite a change in directors and studios, keeps up the same manic blend of humor and violence.

    Mindy Macready (Chloe Grace Moretz), or Hit Girl, is now in the same high school as Dave Lizewski (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), or Kick-Ass. As the story begins, she is still putting on the purple wig and going out cracking skulls while he has stopped but wants to start again and asks her to rain him. In the midst, her guardian Marcus (Morris Chestnut), a detective and her late father’s partner, discovers what she’s been up to and makes her promise to quit. Dave however suits up again and joins a group of vigilante heroes who were inspired by Kick-Ass to take action. Led by former mafia enforcer Colonel Stars and Stripes (Jim Carrey), Justice Forever also includes his high school friend Marty (Clark Duke) and Night Bitch (Lindy Booth), who becomes a romantic interest; Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca) dumps him when she overhears an argument he has with Mindy and mistakes them for lovers.

    Meanwhile Chris D’Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and “Alfred to [his] evil Bruce Wayne” Javier (John Leguizamo) have begun a plan to take revenge on Kick-Ass for the death of the former’s father. Scrapping the Red Mist identity in favor of fetish gear and the title “The Motherfucker”, D’Amico then assembles a diverse group of henchmen who he gives some very ethnically-questionable names.

    Jim Carrey joins in on the fun in 'Kick Ass 2'
    Jim Carrey joins in on the fun in ‘Kick Ass 2’

    An interesting thing happened following the release of the first film: it more or less came true. Phoenix Jones (secret identity Benjamin Fodor) led his own vigilante group in Seattle called the Rain City Superhero Movement. His exploits, much like those of Kick-Ass, have been filmed and uploaded online to (cumulatively) over a million views.

    Whether it were intentional or not, the story feels like a critique of this movement. The members of Justice Forever are shown as well-meaning but for the most part in way over their heads. As the events of the story unfold, the main message seems to be that this kind of vigilantism brings consequences and in some respects makes things worse.

    Other than that, you’re in for the same sort of trip its predecessor delivered. This is easily Jeff Wadlow’s best film and proof that he is more than capable as a writer/director. Once again Moretz comes away some of the best moments and lines, though her now being older dulls the impact a little.

    But it’s Carrey who’s a standout. The series seems to have a desire to get a name actor for a supporting hero character. Occupying the position that Nicolas Cage held in the previous film, he plays a special kind of insanity that it’s hard to imagine anyone else doing yet distinct from his frequent persona. It’s just a shame he isn’t in it more.  If there is another go round, it’s interesting to ponder who will be next (Robin Williams maybe?).

    This summer has largely been one of disappointment and disaster, but Kick-Ass 2 is a bright spot as it draws to a close. Better luck next year. Bring on the fall.

  • ‘This Is the End’ has lots of laughs… and heart

    ‘This Is the End’ has lots of laughs… and heart

    James Franco, Danny McBride, Craig Ferguson, Jay Baruchel and Seth Rogen fight to survive the apocalypse in 'This is the End'
    James Franco, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Jay Baruchel, and Seth Rogen fight to survive the apocalypse in ‘This is the End’

    I’m a little mad at this movie. Mad because I had so many puns on the title to use to describe how terrible it is. But that’s not the case at all.

    This Is the End accomplishes the basic goal of being funny, yet has depth to it that the serious disaster movies could learn a thing or two from.

    For whoever doesn’t yet know, the actors here are playing themselves. Or rather, a version of themselves, since I doubt the real Michael Cera is as much of an oversexed cocaine addict. But if it does seem like someone is the same as they always are, there’s at least a valid reason for it.

    Jay Baruchel flies into Los Angeles to spend some quality time with his longtime friend from the old country, Seth Rogen. After an afternoon of activities including 3D television, listening to “Backstreet’s Back”, and recreational drug use (probably all at once), Rogen convinces Baruchel to go with him to a party at James Franco’s house.

    Right from the front door the tension begins. It becomes clear that Baruchel doesn’t mesh well with Rogen’s new friends, who also include Jonah Hill and Craig Robinson. And then it happens.  What seems like a mere earthquake breaks open a chasm is the backyard that kills nearly all partygoers.

    Rogen, Baruchel, Franco, Hill, and Robinson are the survivors and learn that some cataclysmic event has taken place and does all the things that a cataclysmic event does (power knocked out, dangers outside, etc). But soon one more joins the party: Danny McBride. Not invited to the party in the first place, he snuck in and then passed out in the bathroom when everything happened. He proves to a bigger impediment to team unity.

    That’s really the central conflict and aside from the tone, what makes this more than just another disaster movie. The story is as much about the potential end of the world as it is the potential end of a friendship. Bigger themes that build upon this premise are then introduced when the cause of the apocalypse is clarified, and the other character start to learn their lessons too. And let’s face it, as funny as these guys can be, this would a very dull proceeding if everybody played nice.

    Surprisingly, the film doesn’t overdo the celebrity appearances. They appear where they should; no situation makes anyone feel out of place and no one pops in at inappropriate times. It’s also pleasantly unexpected that the celebs of lesser star status are given as much attention as the more famous ones. Martin Starr and Kevin Hart are focused on just as much as Jason Segel or Paul Rudd.

    The main problem here is that it not easily accessible to newcomers. This film assumes that you are already familiar with who these people are and why it would be funny to see them play against type or exaggerated personas. Similarly, the brand of humor is the same as always. If you weren’t into it before, nothing here is going to change your mind.

    Rogen and writing partner Evan Goldberg make their directorial debuts with this film, and we can only hope they take up the position again soon. This had better not be the end for them. Hey, looks like I was able to make a pun after all.

  • ‘The Hangover Part III’ ends franchise with a thud

    ‘The Hangover Part III’ ends franchise with a thud

    Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms in 'The Hangover Part III'
    Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms in ‘The Hangover Part III’

    In retrospect I don’t feel I came down hard enough on The Hangover Part II, but I won’t make that mistake this time. The Hangover Part III does do a couple things that the previous film should have, but at this point it’s much too little and far too late.

    The plot takes a Die Hard with a Vengeance direction. Alan (Zach Galifinakis) is being driven to a mental health treatment facility in Arizona by Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms), and Doug (Justin Bartha) when they are pushed off the road and kidnapped. They are then brought before Marshall (John Goodman), a gangster who’s the boss of “Black” Doug (Mike Epps). Marshall has a score to settle with Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong), who stole millions in gold from him. Chow has just busted out of jail, and with Doug taken hostage to ensure their cooperation, our trio is tasked with hunting him down.

    As Alan has maintained contact with him, they locate Chow in Tijuana. Some hijinks ensue, and he gets by them. They then track him to Las Vegas, more hijinks.

    Ken Jeong in 'The Hangover Part III'
    Ken Jeong in ‘The Hangover Part III’

    Something about the first movie that I don’t think receives enough notice for making it all work is the mystery aspect. That is to say, the various puzzle pieces they wake up to after the binge. Of course the changed plot setup doesn’t lend itself to exactly that, but there was still a chance to see them sleuth around. It never takes them any real effort in finding Chow, any of the times. This should have been the endgame the same way that finding Doug and making sense of the previous night was for the first.

    And this all leads primarily into the next problem: Chow himself. No longer used sparingly like in the previous two movies, spending more time with this character makes one realize just how annoying and grating he is.

    Usually the high point is the Alan character, and while they do try to give him some more emphasis, such emphasis really betrays the appeal. He could have been funny again, but the film makes the critical error of trying to explain him. Sure, there was always something “off” about him, but to distinctly know that he’s mentally ill and off his meds is just unnecessarily unpleasant. Remember that this is a character who is exclusively laughed at, never with.

    John Goodman in 'The Hangover Part III'
    John Goodman in ‘The Hangover Part III’

    Heather Graham comes back, and it is nice to see her again. However, after being so unceremoniously dumped from the story in Part II, there is really nothing for her to do here. Nor is there much for Melissa McCarthy, who could have made a decent surprise had the trailer not already shown her. Goodman is the diamond in the rough here, but it’s a whole lot of rough.

    Oh yeah, no Mike Tyson this time. And if he didn’t want to come back, that should really tell you something.

    We can only hope that the advertisements aren’t lying when they say that this is last movie in a trilogy that should never have been. People do know that Arrested Development just came back, right? Watch that instead.

  • ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ fails horribly by not boldly going somewhere new

    ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ fails horribly by not boldly going somewhere new

    The U.S.S. Enterprise burns and falls to Earth in 'Star Trek Into Darkness'
    The U.S.S. Enterprise burns and falls to Earth in ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’

    The Star Trek series of films has become known for having an even-odd rule.  If it’s an even-numbered entry, it’s a good one. If not, then no such luck. Into Darkness is the 12th in the franchise. According to my calculator, 12 is divisible by 2 with no remainder, which would mean that it’s an even number.

    Except this one is no good.

    Star Trek Into Darkness provides nothing to justify its existence. It’s a sequel for the sake of a sequel with no desire to boldly go where none have gone before.

    PHOTOS: Stills and poster art from ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’

    I really cannot address why this film is terrible without spoiling things. So if for some reason you don’t want to be spoiled, well, you see that single ticket icon at the top of the page, right? That’s all you need to know. The movie sucks, stay away, thanks for reading, see you next time.

    Alright, now for those of you still here, this is the big faux pas that pretty much unravels it all: “John Harrison”(Benedict Cumberbatch) is Khan. As in Khan Noonien Singh, as in not a white guy. Oh yes, I’m about to go there again.

    Benedict Cumberbatch plays Khan in 'Star Trek Into Darkness'
    Benedict Cumberbatch plays Khan in ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’

    Even though Ricardo Montalban – the actor for whom this is arguably his best-known role next to Fantasy Island – was not Indian, the choice for him in casting made it clear that this character is a brown man. The casting of Cumberbatch in this iconic role is flat-out horrifying. This franchise has had social progress and diversity as a central part of its very foundation. The original show made history with the first interracial kiss on television, in case you didn’t know.

    I’ll link out to a great piece if you want to hear some more on this (http://www.racebending.com/v4/featured/star-trek-whiteness/), but suffice it to say Gene Roddenberry has to be rolling in his capsule.

    It’s worth noting here that this character was the adversary faced in the franchise’s second film The Wrath of Khan (1982) (and appeared in the Original Series‘ episode, “Space Seed”), which is regarded as the best of the series (at least for the original crew; how it stacks up with First Contact is a discussion for another time). So anything even attempting this territory is not going to come out well by comparison. And unfortunately, the similarities don’t end there.

    Ricardo Montalban played Khan in the Star Trek episode, 'Space Seed,' then later in 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'
    Ricardo Montalban played Khan in the Star Trek episode, ‘Space Seed,’ then later in ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan’

    They didn’t just rip the bad guy from The Wrath of Khan, but the whole final act. Seriously. It all plays out virtually the same, save for one alteration that feels like a mere gimmick to change it up a little, especially when whatever emotional impact it could have had is undone. Not to mention the signature moments (that “Khan!” yell is back, big shocker there) being pathetically retreaded in what can only be a very poor idea of fan service.

    As for what preceded to setup this redundancy, nothing special. It mainly concerns a corrupt Starfleet Admiral (Peter Weller) playing both sides to set into motion a war which he thinks was bound to happen anyway. Yawn. By the way, what is up with the Admiral speaking with an American accent, but his daughter Carol (Alice Eve) speaking with a British one? No wonder they fouled up the rest if they couldn’t even catch that.

    I don’t know what possessed the filmmakers to try to redo one of the franchise’s shining moments so shamelessly. But be it severe laziness, severe arrogance, or severe stupidity, they failed. It’s alarming that the director is the guy being trusted with the next Star Wars. Is Episode VII just going to be a dumb repeat of The Empire Strikes Back? Is a white guy going to play Lando Calrissian?

    Back to the numbers rule, we can only hope that that has reversed and the inevitable number 13 will prove to be lucky and we’ll get a film that shows respect for and understanding of Roddenberry’s vision. Choosing not to blatantly rip off a much better movie helps too.

  • ‘Scary Movie 5’ is about as far away from funny as a comedy can get

    ‘Scary Movie 5’ is about as far away from funny as a comedy can get

    Sarah Hyland isn't looking to good in 'Scary Movie 5'
    Sarah Hyland isn’t looking to good in ‘Scary Movie 5’

    With the Scary Movie sequels, I’ve always found that I was very critical of them on the first watch but seeing them makes me feel I was being too harsh. I’ve ended up seeing Scary Movie 5 twice, but I can’t say the same. There’s simply nothing in it that will register as anything even remotely close to hilarious.

    Jody Sanders (Ashely Tsdale) and her husband Dan (Simon Rex) gain custody of his two nieces and nephew after the death of their father (Charlie Sheen, kind of playing a version of himself). Aiden is still a baby, but the older Kathy (Gracie Whitton) and Lilly (Ava Kolker) act all creepy due to the influence of “Mama.” As condition of this arrangement, they all move into a McMansion filled with cameras that record their every moment. Thing start going bump in the night and Jody suspects Mama may have something to do with it. The trail will eventually lead to “the cabin in the woods” and an evil book that resides there.

    Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan make ill-advised appearances in the unfunny 'Scary Movie 5'
    Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan make ill-advised appearances in the unfunny ‘Scary Movie 5’

    Paranormal Activity, Mama, and Evil Dead are obviously the primarily targets here, but a number of others (not scary movies) are inexplicably parodied. Black Swan, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Help, and Inception get the treatment too. And none of it is done well. The comedy is too reliant on poor slapstick, which is far too predictable to be effective in any manner. And if not that, then the gags are rooted in juvenile immaturity.

    It’s a little infuriating that they had a golden target to skewer and plot path to follow yet completely ignore it: Scream 4. The franchise owes its whole existence to the first Scream film, right down to the title (Scary Movie was the working title). So when it came back only a couple years ago, what better lead to follow? The last Scary Movie installment was 7 years back, so this could have used that same sense of rejuvenation, as well as have a reason for the new characters.

    Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex look like they're wondering why they appeared in this movie.
    Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex look like they’re wondering why they appeared in this movie.

    And to briefly address that: Is the lack of hitherto franchise star Anna Faris a huge problem? No, not particularly. Her presence really didn’t help the last two all that much and Tisdale is a capable replacement who’s very funny (as proven elsewhere, of course).  But the real problem is that like the last couple installments, the movie loads the supporting cast with notables only to do nothing with them. Among others, showing up here are Heather Locklear, Usher, Sarah Hyland, Darrell Hammond, Mike Tyson, and Kate Walsh, but contribute nothing of significance. The more extended visits from Snoop Dogg and Lindsay Lohan fare little better. Sheen lampooning himself may have been amusing, if he hadn’t spent the last God-knows how many years pretty much exclusively doing exactly that. The brightest spot of the last two was Leslie Nielsen, who was used well and stole both of them. But since he sadly passed away since, he is not here and his absence is strongly felt.

    The Scary Movie series may never have been on the same level as Mel Brooks, but even on its own scale, number 5 is a low. So memo to any other franchises who are planning on a long hiatus: Simply coming back is not good enough. You need to put these things in called time and effort to make something to justify that wait.

  • Danielle Panabaker saves rape-revenge flick, ‘Girls Against Boys’

    Danielle Panabaker saves rape-revenge flick, ‘Girls Against Boys’

    Nicole LaLiberte (left) and Danielle Panabaker are out for revenge in 'Girls Against Boys'
    Nicole LaLiberte (left) and Danielle Panabaker are out for revenge in ‘Girls Against Boys’

    The rape-revenge subgenre probably doesn’t have a hope of ever surpassing its very first instance, Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring. But it has been taken to some interesting places over the years, with everyone from Brigitte Nielsen to Sally Field starring in entries.

    Girls Against Boys could have been a notable example, but makes the mistake of radically changing gears way too late in the game.

    Shae Marshall (Danielle Panabaker) is a college student who gets dumped by her middle-aged boyfriend Terry (Andrew Howard), who would rather try to work things out with his wife and daughter. For some reason, she works at night as a bartender. She soon meets co-worker Lu (Nicole LaLiberte) who takes her out to a club to get her mind off her troubles.

    There they meet Eric (Carmine DiBenedetto), Duncan (Will Brill), and Simon (Michael Stahl-David), and then all go back to Eric and Duncan’s place. When Shae wants to head back to her apartment, Simon goes with her. But at parting when it’s clear that she’s not into him, he charges into the building after her and you know the rest.

    She tries going to Terry for support but is too shell-shocked to explain what happened – and he nearly comes close to forcing himself on her as well. Next she and Lu try reporting it to the police, but the latter uses the opportunity to seduce one of the officers (Matthew Rauch), steal his gun, and kill him. She convinces Shae that they need to handle this themselves, and head back to Eric and Duncan’s to find Simon’s whereabouts.

    Danielle Panabaker is the one really good thing in 'Girls Against Boys'
    Danielle Panabaker is the one really good thing in ‘Girls Against Boys’

    But in the last third, the movie suddenly decides it wants to be Single White Female. Yep, apparently it forgot its own title.

    The Wikipedia page for the rape-revenge sub genre lays out this three act structure:

    • Act I: A woman is raped/gang raped, tortured, and left for dead.
    • Act II: The woman survives and rehabilitates herself.
    • Act III: The woman takes revenge and kills her rapist(s)

    Act I happens on schedule (though hardly brutalized enough to be presumed dead), but II and III get rushed together in the second third. It’s almost as though it was meant to be an hour long with the last 30 minutes there just to fill time, and there’s no one left to pit the girls against except each other.

    And because it’s so rushed, the aspects of the revenge are poorly constructed. When Shae speaks with the cops, it’s made as though she doesn’t know anything helpful beyond his first name and can’t be helped. But she knows where Eric and Duncan live, and that should be more than enough for the police to go on. She also most probably knows what club they met at, also something the police can follow up on.

    Now it’s one thing if she’s deliberately withholding this information because she’s already made up her mind to strike back on her own, but that is not the case here. These things just don’t come up, and she doesn’t even entertain the idea of revenge until a conversation with Lu later on.

    But Panabaker is excellent. It’s really a shame that her starring roles lately have been in works with so much squandered potential and low aspirations (see also Piranha 3DD). A weaker actress in the part would’ve dropped this to a 1 no question, but she keeps it (relatively) afloat. Even when everything derails at the end she manages to be an engaging presence.

    The rape-revenge films seem to receive some support from feminists, but I think even they would be hard-pressed to be in favor of this one. But Girls Against Boys isn’t really so much against boys or girls or anyone, as much as it is against itself.

  • Blockbuster vs. Mockbuster: A Tale of Two Hansel & Gretels

    Blockbuster vs. Mockbuster: A Tale of Two Hansel & Gretels

    Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner are 'Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters'
    Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner are ‘Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’

    Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is finally off the shelf and in theaters. But another Hansel & Gretel has just reached shelves, store shelves. The latter is from The Asylum and is clearly meant to capitalize on the former’s release. But who did it better?

    In the Hollywood version, written and directed by Tommy Wirkola, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) slew the witch as they did in the classic fairy tale and have grown up to do it for a living. Their talents are called upon when a town’s children are abducted and witches are suspected of being responsible. And, they’re right. Head witch in charge Muriel (Famke Janssen) has discovered a way to make witches immune to fire; it just requires the sacrifice of the children in a blood moon ritual.

    On the other hand, The Asylum’s title, directed by Anthony C. Ferrante and written by Jose Prendes, works the traditional story into the modern day. The Hansel (Brent Lydic) and Gretel (Stephanie Greco) here are young adults who wander into the woods and the former gets injured from a bear trap (hmm, wonder why that’s there?). They spot only one house in the area and it turns out to belong to Lilith (Dee Wallace), Gretel’s employer who runs a bakery. A specialty of this bakery is meat pies, and the siblings soon find themselves amongst captives who will end up the ingredients.

    Both are actually quite different in terms of genre and tone. Wirkola’s film is really more of an action movie in a horror world, a Van Helsing wannabe. There are touches of humor throughout, both in trying to modernize the medieval setting (like milk bottles with sketches of missing children tied to them) and reference to the original (Hansel being fed so much candy by the first witch that he ends up with diabetes).

    Dee Wallace is a frightfully creepy witch in The Asylum's 'Hansel & Gretel'
    Dee Wallace is a frightfully creepy witch in The Asylum’s ‘Hansel & Gretel’

    But that’s really the high point for this version. It’s at best a fairly decent ride throughout and the supporting cast, which features Peter Stormare as the town sheriff and Derek Mears as a monster henchman of Muriel, isn’t put to its full potential. Janssen does alright, but has played better villains elsewhere.

    The other is a horror film, and really much better than most of its ilk. It truly does justice to its namesake; if the Grimms were alive today, this is the story they would make. There are some issues here and there (like an extremely lame “last minute shock” ending that I want to completely disregard), but Wallace is a standout. She is manically unhinged, maybe even a little too over-the-top at times, yet nonetheless shows effort in a part many actresses would likely prefer to phone in.

    As for Hansel and Gretel themselves, the bigger names don’t pull it off. Renner and Arterton are 15 years apart in age; yeah, not believable siblings (especially when the younger versions shown seem to be one or two years apart). They should have gotten an older actress like Jennifer Garner, who Arterton appears to be channeling. Lydic and Greco though do make a plausible brother and sister. I don’t know their exact ages, but can’t imagine the gap if any is nearly that wide.

    Both movies feature gore and violence, but that of Witch Hunters is very underwhelming. Given the resources available to them, this really should not be the case. While those found in the other are clearly low-budget, it packs more of a punch.

    And how about the thing that’s become synonymous with the story: bread crumbs? Witch Hunters… nope. Did not catch any reference. The Asylum’s… yes! Not bread crumbs precisely, but an analogue is used. Further proof that it stays true to its origins.

    And so the winner? Hansel & Gretel, no subtitle. Better luck next time Hollywood.

    And this is not the end of it. I found on IMDB three more movies for this year: Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft, Hansel & Gretel Get Baked, and Hansel & Gretel in 3D. Now that middle one sounds intriguing.

    Perhaps I called it too soon?