Tag: horror

‘The First Omen’ should be the last

Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen

“If Satan wasn’t around, churches would go out of business.” – Marilyn Manson

Sacrilege as it might be to say, but try as I might, I have never really liked the Omen films. Even the original, the supposed “good” one, was very badly written, failing to provide a satisfying resolution for the protagonist and audience, resulting in zero underlying message. It strikes one as a clear Exorcist wannabe, made all the more evident when franchise entries pop up right after those from the antecedent. And sure enough, as the seminal series has made its return with Believer, we now have The First Omen.

That title implies something that could have promise, like detailing the account of an Antichrist from centuries ago and how humanity stopped it. Instead, we get an immediate prequel so tiring, pointless, dull, and laboriously (no pun intended) drawn out, ending on a note that’s framed as some shocking reveal when it was obvious from the onscreen text showing the year at the film’s start.

To wit, it’s 1971 and American nun Margaret (Nell Tiger Free) has been sent to Rome to work at an orphanage (as far as she knows, anyway). Before long she takes a keen interest in Carlita (Nicole Sorace), a highly disturbed young girl. And from there things start to go bump in the night, Margaret suspects her superiors have secrets, you know the rest.

It might also be worth noting here that we’ve yet again found ourselves at a point in time when two uncannily similar movies are released against one another. But I have not so much as seen a trailer for Immaculate, so rest assured that this review is not negative because it’s comparing the two. The picture is bad all on its own.

As said in the introductory paragraph, I found the original movie’s writing quite poor, but I still recognized that The First Omen has utterly disregarded, contradicted, and undermined the backstory of that earlier film. A massive retcon that so drastically shifts responsibility (hint: this review’s opening quote was not chosen randomly) is just nonsensical and can’t possibly explain the events (think those of a more supernatural nature) that will unfold. Add to that a tangent seemingly meant to set up a potential side story, except I seem to recall there already being sequels. Wouldn’t these characters have shown up there?

It can be incredibly obvious in so many scenes where they are headed, but the film insists on dragging them out. There’s no suspense in that, just tedium. Add to that several banal bits referencing the 1976 film (though oddly only one of those Final Destination-esque sequences) that serve no other purpose than to be banal references.

If there’s anything that can be said in this film’s defense, it doesn’t completely fail on the acting front. Free is good in her part, evoking the leads in gialli of old. Bill Nighy, Sonia Braga, and Charles Dance are the veterans brought in this time to add some class (which, admittedly, they somewhat do) and collect paychecks.

More than ever, it’s apparent that the people overseeing the Omen films have no clue how to manage them. Just because Exorcist keeps coming back doesn’t mean its imitators have to. Let The First Omen be the last.

May 6, 2024
Pick up the call for ‘Scream 6’

Melissa Barrera and Jenna Ortega in Scream 6

“Cities are distinguished by the catastrophic forms they presuppose and which are a vital part of their essential charm.” – Jean Baudrillard

I did not like the last Scream movie and did not have hope that the same creative team would fare any better with a follow-up, especially one produced so soon. Not to mention that horror part sixes are typically really bad and/or forgettable. It feels so good to be wrong.

More than a cut above the prior outing, Scream 6 brings the series back on track and into a whole new dimension.

Following last year’s events, sisters Sam (Melissa Barrera) and Tara (Jenna Ortega) along with their twin friends Chad (Mason Gooding) and Mindy (Jasmin Savoy Brown) have relocated to New York City. The latter three have enrolled in college while Sam works out her trauma with a psychiatrist (Henry Czerny). Sam has become more than a tad overprotective of Tara, which while reasonable considering all that’s happened, causes the junior sibling to resent her presence.

But when Halloween rolls around, someone is dressing up for a different reason. Yes, a killer or two donning the Ghostface costume has started a new rampage and soon makes it clear that the Woodsboro transplants are the true targets. Even when under the protection of veteran detective (Dermot Mulroney), Sam and friends – plus Gale (Courteney Cox), who seemingly now lives here, too – are in grave danger at every turn

Whether it really was due to pay disagreements or fear that the undignified treatment other returning characters received in part five would happen to her, Neve Campbell declined the chance to return. However, as the television series proved, the franchise is perfectly fine without Sidney. The cast members really come into their own and finally make the impressions they didn’t before. They’re so good I’m almost tempted to go back and watch the previous film.

While the last installment unfairly took away some legacy characters, this time we get one back from the dead. Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) is now in the FBI and has jumped on the case. It’s a real treat to see her again; she might even be better here than she was in Scream 4. In other pluses, the 3D helps greatly to heighten the viewer’s engagement and sense of environment. More importantly, the narrative is leaps and bounds better than the one before it. There are some really welcome swerves and a villain or more who are worthy of the mask.

The apparently mandatory rules explanation scene feels a little off. It really should have been for the “in New York” installment, which is weirdly a pretty common trope. Friday the 13th Part 8 gets a subtle nod earlier on, but Die Hard, Home Alone, The Muppets, and even Sharknado (featuring yours truly) have done it as well. Instead, the focus is on franchises. Most everything that’s said is much more applicable to the previous film than this one. There is a bit of self-awareness when Mindy criticizes some of the things that the fifth did, which feels a bit vindicating. Then again, admitting you did a crappy thing doesn’t excuse you for having done it in the first place.

A few more flaws are apparent. Once again, the racial dynamics go completely unexplored. The supporting cast is a little thin, making it easier to narrow down the unsub(s). Lastly (though not a fault of the film itself but whoever is responsible for releasing it), shouldn’t a film set on Halloween come out closer to October 31 and not over a half-year away?

Going in, I didn’t imagine saying this, but I am intrigued to see where this series gets taken next. Perhaps next time we’ll get to meet Sam and Tara’s suspiciously-absent mother (casting ideas time: Michelle Rodriguez, Sara Ramirez, Judy Reyes, someone else whose surname begins with an R), or, wishful thinking here, we could see a crossover with some of the TV cast. In any event, bring on Scream 7 and whatever way that number will appear in the logo.

June 6, 2023
Don’t pick up the call for ‘Scream’

Jenna Ortega in Scream

“What is even more baffling than allowing a franchise to run on too long is not allowing one to reach its full potential.” – Justin Bruce

Before watching this film, I made a pact with myself that if they killed off a certain character, I’d be giving the movie a thumbs down. Sure enough, that happened, but so did a number of other things to make me feel more comfortable in rendering an unfavorable ruling.

Scream 2022 (we’ll get back to this title) is what happens when you don’t learn from the mistakes of the films you’re trying to skewer. The new teams of writers and directors that have taken over are not nearly as clever or subversive as they think they are.

Yet again, a Woodsboro teen (Jenna Ortega) is taunted by phone and attacked by an assailant donning a Ghostfasce costume. However, she survives the encounter and word gets out to her estranged sister (Melissa Barrera), who soon arrives back in town with her boyfriend (Jack Quaid). Of course, the victim’s friends are a new collection of teen stereotypes to point the finger at, and before long Gale (Courteney Cox), Dewey (David Arquette), and Sidney (Neve Campbell) get roped in.

Let’s not delay this any further: the trend of titling a sequel the exact same thing as the first needs to die (hell, it never should have started in the first place), and no, (kind of, sort of) referencing this in the movie does not excuse it. In fact, the whole aim is off-target. A “requel” is not a thing (and the majority of the examples listed by the characters do not qualify as such) nor is this film that, as it maintains full continuity with the previous four installments. Also, I find it dubious that your average teen watches things like The Babadook, It Follows, or The Witch.

The new young cast is probably the weakest yet. At best, they’re inferior versions of past characters or leave no real impression. Then we have the unsub(s?), who is(are?) definitely the worst in the franchise. The big problem comes down to motive. In the past movies and in the show, for all the in-joking at “making a scary movie,” the killers had genuine resentment and hatred simmering over that culminated in a desire for revenge. Here, it’s essentially because they’ve got nothing better to do. Pathetic.

As mentioned at the outset, the choice of victims is frustrating. These are characters that would not have acted in that manner and did not deserve to be so disrespected. But beyond insulting the fans, these deaths add nothing to the story: they don’t whittle down the list of viable suspects because there’s no real chance any of them are Ghostface and they don’t “raise the stakes” because Sam is now the main character. All they are is cheap shock value. One’s scene was made all the worse by the possibility of the plot doing the opposite and going in an interesting direction that the films never had before being teased, but then discarded.

Speaking of interesting new roads not taken, let’s discuss the sisters, whose identity as Latinas is never explored. Unlike with, say, African-Americans, there really isn’t a stereotype for other minority groups about always dying in movies. What place do Latinos have in American horror movies? What does it mean for one to be the final girl? Questions like these are worth examining, but the script doesn’t make the effort.

Look, it’s great that they wanted to feature more nonwhite characters (though that was done much better on the small screen), but a “self-aware” and “meta” film is supposed to be, well, aware of that fact. This just reeks of laziness, as though the script was written with white actors in mind and no one bothered to change anything once the film was cast. For crying out loud, their last name is Carpenter. What, Romero or Rodriguez aren’t worth giving a nod to?

Is there anything of value? It is competent on a technical level with some pretty grisly kills. Roger L. Jackson is still the voice, and though the rest of the returning actors are rather wasted, they are very good. Plus, yes, the big bombshell reveal at the end of the first act is a rather good one.

Scream 2022 doesn’t satirize or deconstruct crappy horror sequels, it just plain is a crappy horror sequel. The TV show may have turned out okay, but as theatrical films go, this property should have died with Wes Craven.

April 19, 2022
‘It Chapter 2’ closes the book on Pennywise

Jessica Chastain in It Chapter 2

“Wa-ha, wa-ha, wa-ha; that’s It, folks!” – Doug Walker

Beyond all odds, It 2017 beat the remake curse to be well-received commercially and critically. Coming now to conclude the tale is It Chapter 2, but the air in this balloon has leaked out.

Twenty-seven years have passed and Pennywise (Bill Skarsgård) is back terrorizing Derry. Mike (Chosen Jacobs in flashbacks, Isaiah Mustafa in the present), who remained there, remembers the promise the Losers Club made as children and decides to take action. He reaches out to Bill (Jaeden Martell, James McAvoy), Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer, James Ransone), Richie (Finn Wolfhard, Bill Hader), Bev (Sophia Lillis, Jessica Chastain), Stan (Wyatt Oleff, Andy Bean), and Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor, Jay Ryan) to get them to come back and stop It once more.

Now that the story is complete, is the whole endeavor better than the 1990 effort? Mostly no, but in some important places, yes. Making two parts with considerable running times gives ample breathing room to the events and by comparison makes the other feel rushed. The movie-level budget ensures that the production design and effects are on point. The ghouls, monsters, and gore terrify, and the environments feel just as threatening.

But the things it does worse are rather big. One huge blunder is with Bill’s wife Audra. This character who is supposed to have a larger role and play a part in the climax is reduced to a brief cameo at the beginning. What makes matters worse is that cast in the role here is Jess Weixler. A phenomenal actress who has been seriously undervalued (see Teeth, The Big Bad Swim, Sister Cities, Free Samples, The Lie…), she would have been a major asset to the third act. Such a massive waste of character and talent is just unforgivable.

Flaws from the preceding film carry over as well. The change in time periods, in my view, was the wrong move. So much of what’s in the story does not seamlessly translate 30 years forward, not to mention the commentary on those specific eras is now lost. A few pretty big characterizations and plot digressions were things that the filmmakers pulled from their rear ends. And while Skarsgård does creepy well, he’s nowhere near as good as Tim Curry.

McAvoy comes the closest in matching his role’s previous actor, evoking Richard Thomas at nearly every turn (though I do miss the ponytail). The rest are decent fits – although they do correspond well to their younger counterparts in this film – but won’t make you forget the prior versions. That said, Hader does shine surprisingly strong and shows promise for more dramatic roles.

After this and Pet Semarary, the time has come to give the unadapted stories some attention. Doctor Sleep is due soon and Lisey’s Story is on the way, but where’s From a Buick 8 or Joyland? As for Pennywise and the Losers Club, let’s just hope it will be a bit more than 27 years (at the very least) before we see them again, if we absolutely have to.

October 26, 2019
‘Scream’ Season 3 slices cleaner

Tony Todd in Scream

“Our life is made by the death of others.” – Leonardo da Vinci

A property going from movies to television can be a real crapshoot. Sometimes you might get a M*A*S*H or Buffy, but quite often it’s a real dud. Whatever middle ground there is between the two would be where the Scream show lies.

Season 1 was predictable at times (if the actor is credited as a guest star and not part of the main cast, it’s a safe bet they’re a goner) and what happened in-between the pilot and finale was not very memorable. The motive in the end worked for the central character, but did not explain why some of the first few characters to die were targeted. Season 2 was much more forgettable, as was the Halloween special.

The long-delayed Season 3 is an improvement on both (an odd reversal of the Scream films, where the third is seen as the weakest). Leaving Emma, Audrey, and the rest behind to focus on a new crop of teen stereotypes at the mercy of a sadistic killer (or more?), the episodes here are tighter and leave more of an impression. Still not on the same level as the movies of Wes Craven (who is credited as an executive producer, despite having passed away several years ago), but a step forward nonetheless.

Deion Elliot (R.J. Cyler) is starting senior year of high school and things are looking bright. His prime spot on the football team gives him a good chance of being given a scholarship. But he is hiding a pretty damning secret: as a child one Halloween night, he and his twin brother (Jaden Robinson, also playing past Deion) were fooling around on the property of Hook Man (Tony Todd) when he ran off scared and left the other to die.

Somehow, someone is aware of this. Phone calls start to come in to Deion demanding that he come clean, or else. Moreover, the students he shared a detention session with are also targeted. They’ll need to put aside their contrived differences to stay alive.

While the Ghostface costume is finally back – complete with Roger L. Jackson as the voice on the other end of the phone – this story seems to take place in a world where the movies never happened. If it did, the characters would recognize the costume from the Stab films and news stories about the events. One character continually refers to their situation as a “reboot” scenario, but this makes no sense when nobody has any knowledge of the Sidney saga. A re-anything needs to have something to refer back to.

Which brings us to a big issue from the previous seasons that is here yet again: the self-referentialness doesn’t sync up. The film characters discussing their plight like a horror movie worked because the product itself was in the form of a movie. This, however, is a television show, and thus should be going off of TV rules. Moreover, the types of shows they should be following – law enforcement procedurals (Law & Order, CSI), serial killer dramas (Criminal Minds, You), and dark teen mysteries (Riverdale, Pretty Little Liars) – are never brought up. If these characters realized that this was their lot, they could work to build a profile and identify the unsub(s?).

But to its credit, having just six episodes this time around does wonders for the show. It could probably have been streamlined just a little further, but there’s much less filler (and thus unmemorable) content and more momentum to its flow. Kills are properly vicious and gruesome, stretching the limits of what one might expect to see on basic cable before 10 PM. The story’s turns and reveals, while one or two can be predicted somewhat, are much more satisfying and pay off better. It will stay with the viewer longer than anything from the previous seasons combined.

Another strong point in Season 3’s favor is the cast. The first two seasons gave us a good grouping of interesting young character actors and this one continues that streak. Cyler, Keke Palmer, Jessica Sula, Giorgia Whigham, Tyga, C.J. Wallace, Tyler Posey, and even Paris Jackson are here. The central group has a more interesting dynamic than most, often pairing characters that work well together. Those in the core cast perform sublimely in elevating their characters above the stock types they’d otherwise fall into. Todd is a such a compelling presence and natural fit for the franchise that it boggles the mind why they never reached out to him before. Plus, the one and only Mary J. Blige is on hand as Mrs. Elliot.

The likelihood of this is up in the air (much more so than it was the last time a renewal was in question), but Scream really should continue on into a fourth season. It should, however, perhaps follow the example set here and focus on a new setting and characters with a slim episode count. But if this really does turn out to be the end for this show, it was a decent enough run all things considered, and this season was a good note to go out on.

September 29, 2019
‘Child’s Play’ is defective

Aubrey Plaza, Gabriel Bateman, and Chucky in Child’s Play

“It stinks.” – Jay Sherman

Wrong. This was the first thought that occurred to me when watching Child’s Play 2019 and it stayed the whole time. Nothing about it was right. Not in regards to the 1988 film, not in regards to modern reality and sensibilities, not even in regards to its own logic.

The latest in technological wonders is Buddi (Mark Hamill), a small robot who can talk, walk, play music, turn on the television, search the web, make video and sound recordings, and so on. It’s been really successful, with a new version due for release soon.

So right off the bat we have a huge issue in that something like this in current year is not going to resemble a Good Guy doll in this slightest. This type of device would be designed to be futuristic and sleek, fitting right in with the smartphones and TVs it interfaces with. Ashley Too is how this kind of thing is supposed to look. The model this time is redesigned a bit too and it’s far from an upgrade. It’s just really awful looking and makes you long for the original.

Department store clerk Karen (Aubrey Plaza) works where these things are frequently sold and are preparing to receive the newer models. When a customer returns an existing one for being defective – little do they know it actually had the failsafes removed by a disgruntled employee at the Vietnamese sweatshop where these things are made – she takes it home for her son (Gabriel Bateman).

Andy’s aged up to a teen here, another change not in any way for the better. It seems to be just so he can swear at and talk back to his mother. Also in the mix are mom’s abusive boyfriend (David Lewis) and troubles with bullying peers. It’s like they looked at the first act of the Rob Zombie Halloween and said “This, but edgeless and even more cliched.”

Now we start to get into Chucky’s motives and demeanor. As this version is a blank slate AI and not Charles Lee Ray, it should not have any personality or goals. But eventually, he somehow gets to behaving like classic Chucky. The laughing, taunting, one liners, all of it. This of course should not be the case in this new context, and is clearly only here out of obligation. Without being a serial killer by trade or needing a new body, what (mostly, since he does show a propensity for violence earlier on) makes him a murderer is watching Texas Chainsaw 2 with Andy and his friends. I wonder what his behavior would’ve turned to if they’d watched pornography instead.

There’s such a mess of more contradictions and nonsensities. Everyone is aware from the start that Chucky can talk and move around on his own, but disbelieve Andy when he tells them that Chucky did this or that. One character should know all that has been happening, but apparently doesn’t when it’s convenient for the plot. The musical score with its young child toy sounds is not only incredibly intrusive, but does not fit seeing how the story is no longer about young children or toys.

Not even the name makes sense here. The original Chucky doll is called that because that was his actual name as a human. This time it’s just randomly spurt out by him as a sign of malfunctioning when Andy tries to give him a different name that sounds nothing like it (as sly an in-joke though that was). Again, this is really only here because it has to be.

But worst of all, this gives the franchise a black eye when the original series is still going strong. New movies from Don Mancini and with Brad Dourif in tow have been trickling out the past couple years, and they have plans for more (a Syfy channel show in development at present). I can only hope that these official projects won’t now be derailed or that this film won’t be held against them by the public.

The 2019 one had absolutely no business being a Child’s Play movie, or even being made at all. Toss this on the scrap heap.

July 11, 2019
‘Pet Sematary’ should have remained dead

Church the cat in Pet Sematary

“Fate is not satisfied with inflicting one calamity.” – Publilius Syrus

Pet Sematary 2019 is essentially the novel and/or 1989 film buried in the cursed grounds of the plot and resurrected in the same manner: starts off seeming the same but a little off, then turns bad and wants to do you harm. Rotten and needlessly nihilistic, this version is ironic proof of its own message that sometimes it’s best to let the dead stay dead.
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April 16, 2019
‘Scary Movie 5’ is about as far away from funny as a comedy can get

Sarah Hyland isn’t looking to good in ‘Scary Movie 5’

With the Scary Movie sequels, I’ve always found that I was very critical of them on the first watch but seeing them makes me feel I was being too harsh. I’ve ended up seeing Scary Movie 5 twice, but I can’t say the same. There’s simply nothing in it that will register as anything even remotely close to hilarious.

Jody Sanders (Ashely Tsdale) and her husband Dan (Simon Rex) gain custody of his two nieces and nephew after the death of their father (Charlie Sheen, kind of playing a version of himself). Aiden is still a baby, but the older Kathy (Gracie Whitton) and Lilly (Ava Kolker) act all creepy due to the influence of “Mama.” As condition of this arrangement, they all move into a McMansion filled with cameras that record their every moment. Thing start going bump in the night and Jody suspects Mama may have something to do with it. The trail will eventually lead to “the cabin in the woods” and an evil book that resides there.

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan make ill-advised appearances in the unfunny ‘Scary Movie 5’

Paranormal Activity, Mama, and Evil Dead are obviously the primarily targets here, but a number of others (not scary movies) are inexplicably parodied. Black Swan, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Help, and Inception get the treatment too. And none of it is done well. The comedy is too reliant on poor slapstick, which is far too predictable to be effective in any manner. And if not that, then the gags are rooted in juvenile immaturity.

It’s a little infuriating that they had a golden target to skewer and plot path to follow yet completely ignore it: Scream 4. The franchise owes its whole existence to the first Scream film, right down to the title (Scary Movie was the working title). So when it came back only a couple years ago, what better lead to follow? The last Scary Movie installment was 7 years back, so this could have used that same sense of rejuvenation, as well as have a reason for the new characters.

Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex look like they’re wondering why they appeared in this movie.

And to briefly address that: Is the lack of hitherto franchise star Anna Faris a huge problem? No, not particularly. Her presence really didn’t help the last two all that much and Tisdale is a capable replacement who’s very funny (as proven elsewhere, of course). But the real problem is that like the last couple installments, the movie loads the supporting cast with notables only to do nothing with them. Among others, showing up here are Heather Locklear, Usher, Sarah Hyland, Darrell Hammond, Mike Tyson, and Kate Walsh, but contribute nothing of significance. The more extended visits from Snoop Dogg and Lindsay Lohan fare little better. Sheen lampooning himself may have been amusing, if he hadn’t spent the last God-knows how many years pretty much exclusively doing exactly that. The brightest spot of the last two was Leslie Nielsen, who was used well and stole both of them. But since he sadly passed away since, he is not here and his absence is strongly felt.

The Scary Movie series may never have been on the same level as Mel Brooks, but even on its own scale, number 5 is a low. So memo to any other franchises who are planning on a long hiatus: Simply coming back is not good enough. You need to put these things in called time and effort to make something to justify that wait.

April 24, 2013
Danielle Panabaker saves rape-revenge flick, ‘Girls Against Boys’
Nicole LaLiberte (left) and Danielle Panabaker are out for revenge in ‘Girls Against Boys’

The rape-revenge subgenre probably doesn’t have a hope of ever surpassing its very first instance, Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring. But it has been taken to some interesting places over the years, with everyone from Brigitte Nielsen to Sally Field starring in entries.

Girls Against Boys could have been a notable example, but makes the mistake of radically changing gears way too late in the game.

Shae Marshall (Danielle Panabaker) is a college student who gets dumped by her middle-aged boyfriend Terry (Andrew Howard), who would rather try to work things out with his wife and daughter. For some reason, she works at night as a bartender. She soon meets co-worker Lu (Nicole LaLiberte) who takes her out to a club to get her mind off her troubles.

There they meet Eric (Carmine DiBenedetto), Duncan (Will Brill), and Simon (Michael Stahl-David), and then all go back to Eric and Duncan’s place. When Shae wants to head back to her apartment, Simon goes with her. But at parting when it’s clear that she’s not into him, he charges into the building after her and you know the rest.

She tries going to Terry for support but is too shell-shocked to explain what happened – and he nearly comes close to forcing himself on her as well. Next she and Lu try reporting it to the police, but the latter uses the opportunity to seduce one of the officers (Matthew Rauch), steal his gun, and kill him. She convinces Shae that they need to handle this themselves, and head back to Eric and Duncan’s to find Simon’s whereabouts.

Danielle Panabaker is the one really good thing in ‘Girls Against Boys’

But in the last third, the movie suddenly decides it wants to be Single White Female. Yep, apparently it forgot its own title.

The Wikipedia page for the rape-revenge sub genre lays out this three act structure:
- Act I: A woman is raped/gang raped, tortured, and left for dead.
- Act II: The woman survives and rehabilitates herself.
- Act III: The woman takes revenge and kills her rapist(s)
Act I happens on schedule (though hardly brutalized enough to be presumed dead), but II and III get rushed together in the second third. It’s almost as though it was meant to be an hour long with the last 30 minutes there just to fill time, and there’s no one left to pit the girls against except each other.

And because it’s so rushed, the aspects of the revenge are poorly constructed. When Shae speaks with the cops, it’s made as though she doesn’t know anything helpful beyond his first name and can’t be helped. But she knows where Eric and Duncan live, and that should be more than enough for the police to go on. She also most probably knows what club they met at, also something the police can follow up on.

Now it’s one thing if she’s deliberately withholding this information because she’s already made up her mind to strike back on her own, but that is not the case here. These things just don’t come up, and she doesn’t even entertain the idea of revenge until a conversation with Lu later on.

But Panabaker is excellent. It’s really a shame that her starring roles lately have been in works with so much squandered potential and low aspirations (see also Piranha 3DD). A weaker actress in the part would’ve dropped this to a 1 no question, but she keeps it (relatively) afloat. Even when everything derails at the end she manages to be an engaging presence.

The rape-revenge films seem to receive some support from feminists, but I think even they would be hard-pressed to be in favor of this one. But Girls Against Boys isn’t really so much against boys or girls or anyone, as much as it is against itself.
February 21, 2013
Blockbuster vs. Mockbuster: A Tale of Two Hansel & Gretels

Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner are ‘Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is finally off the shelf and in theaters. But another Hansel & Gretel has just reached shelves, store shelves. The latter is from The Asylum and is clearly meant to capitalize on the former’s release. But who did it better?

In the Hollywood version, written and directed by Tommy Wirkola, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) slew the witch as they did in the classic fairy tale and have grown up to do it for a living. Their talents are called upon when a town’s children are abducted and witches are suspected of being responsible. And, they’re right. Head witch in charge Muriel (Famke Janssen) has discovered a way to make witches immune to fire; it just requires the sacrifice of the children in a blood moon ritual.

On the other hand, The Asylum’s title, directed by Anthony C. Ferrante and written by Jose Prendes, works the traditional story into the modern day. The Hansel (Brent Lydic) and Gretel (Stephanie Greco) here are young adults who wander into the woods and the former gets injured from a bear trap (hmm, wonder why that’s there?). They spot only one house in the area and it turns out to belong to Lilith (Dee Wallace), Gretel’s employer who runs a bakery. A specialty of this bakery is meat pies, and the siblings soon find themselves amongst captives who will end up the ingredients.

Both are actually quite different in terms of genre and tone. Wirkola’s film is really more of an action movie in a horror world, a Van Helsing wannabe. There are touches of humor throughout, both in trying to modernize the medieval setting (like milk bottles with sketches of missing children tied to them) and reference to the original (Hansel being fed so much candy by the first witch that he ends up with diabetes).

Dee Wallace is a frightfully creepy witch in The Asylum’s ‘Hansel & Gretel’

But that’s really the high point for this version. It’s at best a fairly decent ride throughout and the supporting cast, which features Peter Stormare as the town sheriff and Derek Mears as a monster henchman of Muriel, isn’t put to its full potential. Janssen does alright, but has played better villains elsewhere.

The other is a horror film, and really much better than most of its ilk. It truly does justice to its namesake; if the Grimms were alive today, this is the story they would make. There are some issues here and there (like an extremely lame “last minute shock” ending that I want to completely disregard), but Wallace is a standout. She is manically unhinged, maybe even a little too over-the-top at times, yet nonetheless shows effort in a part many actresses would likely prefer to phone in.

As for Hansel and Gretel themselves, the bigger names don’t pull it off. Renner and Arterton are 15 years apart in age; yeah, not believable siblings (especially when the younger versions shown seem to be one or two years apart). They should have gotten an older actress like Jennifer Garner, who Arterton appears to be channeling. Lydic and Greco though do make a plausible brother and sister. I don’t know their exact ages, but can’t imagine the gap if any is nearly that wide.

Both movies feature gore and violence, but that of Witch Hunters is very underwhelming. Given the resources available to them, this really should not be the case. While those found in the other are clearly low-budget, it packs more of a punch.

And how about the thing that’s become synonymous with the story: bread crumbs? Witch Hunters… nope. Did not catch any reference. The Asylum’s… yes! Not bread crumbs precisely, but an analogue is used. Further proof that it stays true to its origins.

And so the winner? Hansel & Gretel, no subtitle. Better luck next time Hollywood.

And this is not the end of it. I found on IMDB three more movies for this year: Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft, Hansel & Gretel Get Baked, and Hansel & Gretel in 3D. Now that middle one sounds intriguing.

Perhaps I called it too soon?

February 15, 2013