43 reasons to NOT bother seeing ‘Movie 43’

Naomi Watts as the mother home-schooling her son in 'Movie 43'
Naomi Watts as the mother home-schooling her son in ‘Movie 43’

In case it matters, the following contains spoilers.  Lots of spoilers.  If you want to avoid the spoilers, don’t read any further.  Did I mention there are spoilers?  Okay, here goes:

Reason 1.  There just aren’t enough laughs in Movie 43.

Reason 2.  Low-brow humor is fine, until it goes just too low.

Reason 3.  The moments when the temptation to get up and demand a refund becomes almost overwhelming.

Reason 4.  Sometimes the old adage that too many directors and writers spoil the movie is at play here.

Reason 5.  There are much better uses for one of Halle Berry’s breasts than to dip it in guacamole.

Reason 6.  What idiot says “dare” on a blind date with a hot woman?

Reason 7.  When George Clooney turns down a project, that’s a clear sign it is going to stink.

Reason 8.  When Richard Gere tries to get OUT of a project, it’s going to really stink.

Halle Berry's breasts are worth more than a bad joke
Halle Berry’s breasts are worth more than a bad joke

Reason 9.  There’s something wrong with animated male cats masturbating like human males.  It’s just wrong.

Reason 10. Even with the face and body of Hugh Jackman, there’s no way a woman like Kate Winslet would have anything to do with a man who has a pair of balls dangling from his throat.

Reason 11. The pubic hair in the food bit has been done to death.

Reason 12. Mentally messed-up teen boys don’t make fake girlfriends out of mops, they buy blow-up dolls.

Reason 13. Even if she asked, would you “poop” on Anna Faris?

Reason 14. Most of this movie’s target audience can’t spell coprophiliac.

Reason 15. Even if you were dumb enough to say yes to Anna Faris, you wouldn’t eat a bunch of Mexican food and then take a laxative before going to fulfill her fantasy.

Reason 16. While the iBabe is hot, a portable MP3 player that weighs over 100 lbs won’t sell well.

Oh, Richard Gere, what were you thinking?
Oh, Richard Gere, what were you thinking?

Reason 17. Didn’t “Dukes of Hazzard” the movie version prove that Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville don’t make a good pairing on screen?

Reason 18. Ten years of outright rejection by movie studios is another clear sign of an impending stinker of a movie.

Reason 19. We should have believed Richard Roeper when he said “Movie 43 is the Citizen Kane of awful.”

Reason 20. Who is going to buy Greg Kinnear as a guy named Griffin?

Reason 21. Movies that make reference to Howard the Duck automatically suck.

Reason 22. Going back to the balls hanging from Hugh Jackman’s neck, Kate Winslet on a blind date?  Really?  That requires serious suspension of disbelief.

Reason 23. We’re supposed to believe that a Hollywood studio security guard will let Dennis Quaid onto the lot in return for an unwanted blow-job?

Elizabeth Banks, you should be horrified
Elizabeth Banks, you should be horrified

Reason 24. No one will ever believe that Terrence Howard’s team would let the white team score even one point.

Reason 25. Josh Duhamel as a man named Anson?

Reason 26.  In what universe would a woman who looks like Emma Stone be dating Kieran Culkin playing a dork?

Reason 27. Only one person is working the graveyard shift in a busy 24 hour grocery store?

Reason 28. Okay, the cooling fan in the vagina of the iBabe was moderately funny.

Reason 29. There is no one named Abrahams or Zucker connected with Movie 43.

Reason 30. The Kentucky Fried Movie was hysterical.  Movie 43 was not.

Reason 31. Adam Sandler is nowhere to be found.

Hugh Jackman had balls... literally... for being in this flick
Hugh Jackman had balls… literally… for being in this flick

Reason 32. There’s nothing sexy or funny about a mother trying to seduce her teen son as part of home-schooling.

Reason 33. Uma Thurman as “Lois Lane” and Kristen Bell as “Supergirl”?  That just doesn’t make sense.

Reason 34. Okay, Batman giving Robin a rough time while Robin is trying to meet a woman on a speed-date is moderately funny.

Reason 35.  The Penguin and the Riddler?  Can’t we get some funnier Batman villains like Egghead or King Tut?

Reason 36. There’s nothing funny about a teen girl’s first period.

Reason 37. Cursing leprechauns and a fairy that does blow-jobs for gold coins?

Reason 38. Studio heads don’t carry bigger guns than manic screenwriters trying desperately to sell a movie.

Kate Winslet must still be wondering why she appeared in 'Movie 43'
Kate Winslet must still be wondering why she appeared in ‘Movie 43’

Reason 39. Guys who get hit by cars don’t “poop” all over the road in mass quantities.  Even if they stuffed themselves with Mexican food and drank laxatives.

Reason 40. When a woman asks you to “poop” on her, is she really going to demand foreplay that doesn’t involve feces?

Reason 41. You don’t want to help the poor soul who approved spending $6 million on this crap.

Reason 42. When a movie grosses less than $1,000 per screen in its second week of release, that’s a clear sign.

Reason 43. You can use the money you would have spent on this dreck to rent The Kentucky Fried Movie and have a lot more fun and laughs.

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