What went wrong with ‘Tomb Raider’?

Angelina Jolie is Lara Croft in ‘Tomb Raider’

Imagine this: You have one of the most successful and recognized computer game character in the world. You think, “Hey, let’s make a movie out of it.”

One problem. The video stars one bungee-jumping, butt-kicking, Kung Fu-fighting, gun-wielding, archaeologist, wet dream-uber-babe. Oh, did I forget to mention that she has the body of Pamela Anderson, the skills of James Bond and Indiana Jones, and talks likes Mister T?

You could solve your problem and let her become one of the new cyber-babes that are all the rage. But, no, you want an actress with some DNA. You don’t want to make a cartoon. You already have the video. What do you do? It’s obvious.

You get Angelina Jolie.

All the ingredients of a mega-hit were there: Just add Angelina, stir and mix. What went wrong with this recipe for success? Shall we start with the opening fight sequence?

Do we really need Lara Croft fighting a test “monster” robot to inform us that we came to see an action movie? I think not.

Tomb Raider is about heiress/archaeologist Lady Lara Croft as she continues the work of her, missing-in-action Lord Croft (played by Jon Voight, Angelina’s real-life father).

The adventure begins with Lara discovering a clock that is counting down to the alignment of the planets. A feat that only happens once every 5,000 years.

The significance of this event is that once the alignment is complete, the person that is in the possession of “the key” (which is actually an All Seeing Eye) will have the ability to suspend time. Time would be “bent” and the holder of the Eye would then have the ability to time travel back and forth changing history.

Manfred Powell is the diabolical agent of the Illuminati that wants to steal the Eye from Lady Lara so that he can change.

I wanted so much for this movie to send me over the edge. It did send me over the edge, but not in a positive way. I even went to a costume party and came as Lara Croft. Complete with my black tank top, black short and two side arms (Okay, they were water pistols). I had the long braid down my back and a pouch that was filled with items that I had recently “raided” from a tomb. I also have the cup size that would make any X-rated director happy. (Hey, why didn’t Jolie’s breast get credit in this movie. They had more of a starring role than her father)?

I was impressed with the exotic locations in the movie. Jolie is wonderful in her bungee scene. Of course, you just know that there is going to be, “Tomb Raider: The Ride” at some theme park next year. It’s just too big of an opportunity to pass up.

I was equally impressed that Lady Jolie did all of her own stunts. She tore several ligaments in her foot, nicked her knee when she fell 20 feet off a climbing wall and wore out her shoulder due to the strenuous boxing schedule that she maintained.

But the movie dug itself into a hole from the opening scene and barely climbs out of it.

So if you played the video game and found the hidden link that lets you view Lara topless. Have at it. The game is a better thrill.

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